Easter candy is the worst

Easter as a holiday has enormously old and potent roots. It is the amalgamation of pagan fertility rites, the welcoming of spring and the foundation of the Christian religion. 
It also has the absolute worst candy of any holiday.
I'm not a connoisseur. I don't exclusively eat artisan dark chocolate made with more than 70% of cacao from specific regional sources. I like regular candy like a regular person.
But waking up on Easter morning and heading downstairs to see what some odd anthropomorphic rabbit, an egg-delivering mammal, has stuffed on top of the plastic "grass" in a disposable basket only reveals the saddest excuse for sugary treats.

Chocolate bunnies

Chocolate rabbits remain at the forefront of Easter's war on decency.
Few will disagree that they are largely made from the worst quality chocolate imaginable. They are made from the scraps swept off the floor of lower-tiered candy bar chocolate factories, formed into a hollow shape and then sent to people who expect nothing better.
There are so many different attempts of it. There are solid bunnies, puffed rice bunnies, marshmallow-filled bunnies. Going down into that rabbit hole is just sinking deeper and deeper into holiday candy despair.
I have tried many different types of chocolate bunnies in my life, each time hoping that the next would finally be slightly edible. Each one disappoints and I am left feeling as empty as those sad, chalky rabbits.

Cadbury creme eggs

At various times in my life, I have tried to enjoy these baffling collections of chocolate, creme and chemicals.
I feel surrounded by people who clamor for the Cadbury, wanting these seasonal treats on a perennial timeline. At first, I suspected that I had missed something. Then, grew convinced that my timing was off and needed to try them again on a different day.
Finally, I can freely say that these abominations trade nothing for the cavities they create except an awkward eating experience and an unpleasant aftertaste.

Peeps

Look, dipping marshmallow in dyed sugar crystals sounds like a great idea. It does. 
But Peeps gets it horribly wrong in its unwavering belief that these disgusting lumps are best sold to the public seemingly eight to 10 weeks after they are manufactured. Upon opening the thin protective piece of plastic, you are greeted with a "treat" that has the consistency of a stress ball.
People will claim to like them. But they are wrong and sadly unworthy of your trust.

Jelly beans

At the bottom of every one of my childhood Easter candy baskets, sitting on top of the festive plastic grass, that damn rabbit put a whole pound of jelly beans.
While I accept that some people might very well enjoy these sticky gobs of artificiality, I do not.
They are terrible. Easter candy is terrible.

So many other things

The parade of awful Easter candy never lets up. Pastel candy corn, malted everything, chicken-shaped sweet tarts, etc — it's just a carousel of disgust that rises out of the birth of spring and almost makes me pine for the dark hours and sweet eatings of winter time.

The one exception

There is an exception, and it is a small exception.
It is, of course, the Reese's peanut butter egg. As someone who loves the lopsided ratio of peanut butter to chocolate provided by the oblong shape, these are a beautiful thing.
However, the egg is hardly the only shape that Reese's uses throughout the year. In fact, it's almost become a ubiquitous thing to find some other, equally delicious, presentation of a Reese's peanut butter cup.
Hell, they even exist for football. Not even the Super Bowl. Just football. That's not even a holiday.
And so it is a very small exception.
Easter is supposed to be a joyous celebration of the world coming back to life after the dismal want of winter. Let's put out the red carpet for the risen spring and finally get some decent candy in our baskets.